she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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