Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
