I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
