Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize