I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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