I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
