Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
