Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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