even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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