both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
