Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
