I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
