hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
