Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
