I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
