Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
