why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
