I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
