I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
