he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
