Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
