so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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