I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize