so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
