I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
