Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize