i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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