Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
