my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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