I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
