listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
