I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
