One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
