my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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