I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
