Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
