I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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