I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
