Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
