Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
