I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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