The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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