I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
