I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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