nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
