I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
