yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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