dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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