I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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