OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
