I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
