Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
