Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
