I think I died a long time ago.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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