ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
