I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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