i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
