I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
